Early in life, I latched onto some false beliefs. Do not question authority and, by implication, do not question God or the church. I was safer flying under the radar. It was easier to allow people I deemed trustworthy to think things through for me. Conflict is perilous and to be avoided at all costs. Disagreeing with anyone, even safe people, felt terrifying, dangerous, and disloyal.
I had begun to recognize some of these unhealthy beliefs and coping mechanisms during my time at SALTS. I was on the healing journey and beginning to let go of old lies and ways of navigating life which were no longer serving me well. So how would I choose to respond when “my people” viewed a situation differently and headed in a direction different from me? What does love, honesty, respect, and honor look like especially in the face of disagreement?
My inner turmoil was ramped up to top speed. I played the options over and over in my mind, trying to figure out a good solution. I hate change. I hate confrontation. I like to please people. One side of me tried to figure out how to avert the issue. Yet, I knew that I could not support the church’s theological beliefs on counseling which had become significantly different than my own.
I could not figure out a way to reconcile this no-win quandary. Leaving our church would come with a high cost including eliminating regular opportunities to see family, friends, and children-of-our-hearts. Yet, staying would come with a high cost of my personal growth since my support groups had been eliminated.
With heavy hearts, we were in full agreement. As much as we might wish we could stay, our hearts knew that it was time for us to move on.
We were brokenhearted. Our “new normal” would be filled with grieving; times which were difficult, awkward, painful, and uncertain.